Keep Up If You Can.

Sometimes, I can’t say it verbally, other times I wont. But, I feel it should be understood and to me, thats an understatement. Yes, I like you and you have no idea why. To explain would be an insult to me, but not doing so would leave you in the dark. So:

I like you for being you. I like the fact you challenge me. I like the way you tell me no. I like how  you just let me know. I love the way you talk that talk. I love when you deny my wants. You don t say it, but I know you care. You act hard if you know I’m there..but we both know. You tell everyone but me, and I like how you don’t make it easy. You know at night when you crowd my space? I secretly wish I could stop time so that you could be up under me for longer. I like how you put yourself together. Classy with an edge to it. I like how you thought I was worth getting to know. I like how you’re low key… just like me.

But, I can’t give you too much. I can’t tell you too much. I can’t reveal too much. I can’t let you know too much. But sometimes I wonder if too much, in this instance, is better than not enough. In actuality, within the mist of us not getting along I realized that I more than like those things about you and it made me cherish you more. One night you rubbed my back when I asked you to and I knew then, that maybe, you liked me more than you would like to admit. I could be wrong. I’ll never tell you, but you can read it all day.

Everything about you makes my stomach hurt. You meddle in the affairs of sensitivity, playing on its weaknesses. Everything you do disgusts me and I can’t get away from it. The very thought of you makes my brows turn and my eyes darken….and I hate it. I hate to be in the same room as you because it causes a dizziness to breathe in the same air as you. You are everything I don’t aspire to be when I have reached my peak of success and everything that I am unwillingly. I hate you, but I don’t. I love you because we are closer than the hairs on my head. You have given me something that nobody else can, but that anybody can take away. We have an attraction so strong that if we were together for too long we would burst from the connection. I love you. You teach me so much without any attempt. You’ve shown me so much without any discussion. You’ve given me so much without any concern. I love you. I love you so much that the ducts of my eyes become filled as I type this. But I hate you. I hate you so much that the knot in my throat won’t allow the tears to fall. I hate how much I love you. I love how much you don’t care. What’s more, there is no one to discuss these feelings with besides the black and white evidence I have before me because when they say they’re there for you, they never are and when they say they care, they never do.   My feelings for you have caused many of break downs and yet, you somehow have managed to numerously put a smile on my face. You and I are the same and I hate you for it. But, I love you…. Here and now, I realize I should never have become honest with my feelings about you. Every time this truth falls upon me, I grow dark on the inside and a feeling of resentment takes over. You are the one person I can’t control my emotions over and because of you, I am the way that I am. So, I, in return, thank you for it, and although it has brought me many blessings, I hate that I am this way. So I am letting you and my thoughts of you go… You can no longer have control over my nights alone.

…and it never ends. The undenying feelings we have that confuse both of us at the same time. While we’re sure of how we feel, we’re unsure if its real. We question our own motives, which makes us question each other. Because of past references, we doubt the obvious and question legitimacy. So, it never ends. We hate each other and love each other at the same time. The force that controls us, not letting us go, playing us both like magnets. If it were not for the words that go unsaid, we would have blown up from the words that come out so easily. We speak words of filth and to hide our feelings of purity. It only leaves me wondering, when will we finally be honest with one another and speak the words we’re afraid to hear from our own lips. If it were not for the comfort we felt in each others arms, I often wonder if our nights would be spent alone. Undeniably, that comfort remains for a reason. For within those few hours that we sleep so innocently, no feelings or thoughts overwhelm us and we grow closer without us knowing it. So, it never ends. We say the most hurtful things and out of the kindness out of hearts, we never mean them. I have to admit, I like you here..in my life. If its ok with you, I would like our time together to be prolonged and if only to way heavily on the nerves of each other, I would rather it be you than anyone else.  I have to admit, you make me smile more than anyone else. If its ok with you, I would love to have you accompany me every morning and be the face I wake up to. I have to admit, with skin softer than rose petals, I can’t keep my hands off you. So, if its ok with you, I would love to expose my fingertips to your spine at every opportunity. I have to admit, if you asked for my heart I wouldn’t hesitate to hand it to you. So, if its ok with you, if it ever came to it, I would protect yours as if it were mine… if I ever had the opportunity. I have to admit, that only one person falls on my mind right now. So, if its ok with you, I’d like to end this so that I may think of you without the sound of the keys in the background… <3

It changes everything. The L word does and those who aren’t cautious can be untintentionally damaged by it. Whether it is said to you or said by you, it changeeverything. Every word and every action after that taken with the L word in thought and all feelings are surfaced upon it. In some situations, it is better that it never be said, better yet, never heard. The L bomb can change and without it being aggressively acknowledged it can have a depressing effect. It can break down and then break you down. Though I have misused it in the past, I know now that I would never abuse the word as if it had not treated me kind while its evidence presented itself. I would never abuse the lips it comes from and never ignore with my ears its sensitivity. But in some situations, and most circumstances, The L word…I wish to only hear from family.

I love the…. The way you sound so excited to hear my voice sometimes. Kinda makes me silently smile on the other end of the line, while I’m questioning your excitement…actin like I don’t like it.

I love the… The way you face me at night and curl up tight with your head right under mine. And as I caress your spine, I kiss your forehead all the while telling myself that you’re mine.

I love the…. The way we aren’t together, but we are. How we single to the max but we taken. How we still aren’t obligated to one another, but we still act like it.

I love the…the way you get on my nerves. You piss me off so bad but I always come back. I realize you have something that no one else has had.

I love the… The way you check my sometimes. Asking me of my whereabouts with authority in your voice and I act like I have no choice but to tell you.

I love the… The bitch in you. The way you cuss and yell about anything. The way the bitch in you laughs. So we don’t talk for a while, but you still miss me when you mad.

I love the….the way we fall asleep at night together, even when we’re apart. The way I put up w/ some of your bs…even though it’s hard. But don’t get me wrong,

I love the….the way you deal with me when you don’t have to. Then I clean up my act cuz I know another person would be glad to…be the one to make you smile.

I love the…. The way you tell me no, I swear I’m not use to it. But I appreciate you more because you say it and you stand by it….

But lately……

I hate the….the fact that we’re apart. I hate that I can’t kiss your forehead or hold you in my arms. I despise the fact these miles keep me from caressing all your pains. If distance brings us closer, then that’s all I have to gain.

That’s why I miss you <3